Ask Autistic Amber: When “Good” Things Still Dysregulate You
Ask Autistic Amber is an ongoing advice column for autistic adults navigating everyday life
Dear Ask Autistic Amber,
I am currently searching for a new job and also engaging in new hobbies (like Substack!) These are positive things but I have found myself being incredibly deregulated lately. It’s affecting my sleep and just makes me feel generally jittery. When I get this way, NOTHING I do to self-soothe and try to calm down works. Help!
Sincerely,
Feeling Like My Finger Is in a Light Socket
Dear Feeling Like My Finger Is in a Light Socket,
First, I want to say how deeply recognizable this is.
There is a specific kind of overwhelm that comes from positive life changes colliding all at once. New hobbies. A job search. Possibility. Hope. And then, suddenly, your nervous system feels like it’s buzzing at a frequency you didn’t agree to.
It can be confusing because nothing is “wrong.” In fact, everything is technically right. And yet, your body is saying: this is too much.
Let’s talk about why.
When good things still cost energy
One of the most common misunderstandings about regulation is the idea that only negative experiences drain us. But, your nervous system does not sort experiences into “good” and “bad.” It sorts them into demand and capacity.
Starting a Substack, exploring hobbies, imagining a different future… these are all demands. Even joyful ones. They require planning, decision-making, learning, anticipation, and social and emotional processing.
That means they draw from the same finite pool as everything else, leading to the inevitable autistic burnout vs. FOMO battle. If you add multiple “good” things at once, your system doesn’t experience that as relief. It experiences it as increased load.
And if the load exceeds your current capacity, the result can feel exactly like what you described: jittery, wired, unable to settle, like your body just won’t come back down from high alert.
Job searching is a hidden full-time nervous system stressor
On top of that, a job search is not at all a neutral activity for an autistic nervous system.
It asks you to:
Tolerate uncertainty with no clear timeline
Repeatedly initiate tasks that may not receive responses
Present yourself in socially coded ways that may require masking
Navigate rejection, ambiguity, or silence
Even if you’re handling all of this “well” on the outside, your nervous system is still processing it and paying the price.
For many autistic people, there is an added layer of rejection sensitivity involved in job searching. Not as a personality flaw, but as a learned and patterned response to past experiences of being misunderstood, overlooked, or evaluated through neurotypical standards, especially during formative years.
So, each application is not just an application. It is:
effort
exposure
uncertainty
and the possibility of rejection
That is a significant energetic cost, even before you factor in everything else you’re doing on top of it.
Yesterday’s capacity is not today’s capacity
This is the part that tends to feel the most disorienting. You might look at your life and think:
But I was handling all of this a few days ago.
Why can’t I handle it now?
Because capacity is not fixed. It shifts based on:
sleep
sensory load
accumulated stress
hormonal changes
social interactions
how much processing your brain has already done
What was manageable yesterday can feel impossible today, without anything “new” being added. It is a responsive nervous system doing exactly what it is designed to do: protect you.
When nothing seems to soothe you
The feeling that “nothing works” is also something I want to respectfully reframe. When your system is this activated, the goal is not always to calm down in the way we imagine. Sometimes, the goal is simply to reduce input and stop adding new demands.
Because if the nervous system is already overloaded, adding more techniques, more effort, more attempts to “fix” it can actually increase the load. Instead of asking:
How do I make this feeling go away?
It can help to ask:
What can I pause right now?
What can I remove, even temporarily?
Where can I make things simpler, not better?
That might look like:
Taking a day or two off from sending out and checking on job applications
Letting your new hobby sit for a while without engaging it
Choosing the most repetitive, low-decision version of your day when possible
Reducing sensory input (light, noise, conversation, uncomfortable clothing ) for a few days
Not as avoidance tactic, but as a capacity recovery plan.
A gentler way to move forward
You don’t need to stop pursuing things that matter to you. But, it may help to treat them as things that need to be paced, not stacked.
That could look like:
Limiting job search tasks to a set window instead of all day
Choosing one hobby to explore at a time rather than multiple
Building in intentional “no input” space after high-demand (joyful) activities
Letting your engagement pause or decline without interpreting it as failure
The goal shouldn’t be to prove you can handle everything at once. The goal is to stay in a range where your nervous system can actually remain with you while you’re building the life you want.
You’re not doing it wrong
What you’re experiencing can feel like a failure to cope. It’s actually just what happens when meaningful change meets a nervous system that has limits. Unfortunately, those limits don’t disappear just because the things you’re doing are exciting, hopeful, or important.
You are allowed to want these things and need to approach them slowly. You are allowed to step back without losing all your momentum. You are allowed to build a life that fits your capacity, instead of constantly trying to expand your capacity to fit your desired life.
Right now, your nervous system is giving you information. It’s not telling you about your weaknesses, but about your unique pace. You just have to listen.
With you in this,
Autistic Amber
If this kind of pattern feels familiar but hard to name, this is exactly the kind of thing I help people sort through in my new asynchronous pattern reflection sessions.
You can share what’s been coming up and I’ll help you notice the patterns, name what your nervous system is responding to, and reflect back the meaningful signals in your experience.
Learn more here: Asynchronous Pattern Reflection Session
Loved the article! And an advice column is such a fun idea. Looking forward to reading more.
This article brought me such comfort! I've been hard on myself all week because I haven't had enough energy to engage in new hobbies (cozy gaming) because the hot weather overstimulates me. so. much. This article was the helpful reminder I needed!